aik.

I feel you in my heart.

2012-01-30T16:57:00.001+08:00

Hey guys. I am updating my blog so frequently. Alright, so for the past 30 hours I was trying to sort my mind out. No communication with anyone. I guess nobody did notice except for you. But nothing comes out. I guess it got worse. It took me exactly 16 years to realize my life is meaningless, and that my efforts were pointless. I am indeed a slow idiot. Well, I will get over it. I guess I will try.

I guess Karma strikes me.

Bad things happen. And there's nothing you can do about it.

How am I suppose to know? When I am so insignificant.

I am so broken now I don't think I have got the strength to move on.

Pictures speak a million words

2012-01-29T22:46:00.000+08:00

Hey guys. This post is about some changes in this place. Yeah, I am gonna change my posting style. :) Since I am bad with words and pretty much quiet now, I guess pictures would do a better job than my words for this blog. Initially I was thinking of making a Tumblr. But y'all know, besides this blog, I have got FB and Twitter to manage too. So if Tumblr enters my social network life too, it would be kind of crazy to busy over four social networks. So yeah, I will be starting to make some of the posts here similar to Tumblr style- Pictures. I will try my best. :) With this new style, I guess this blog will be kinda active? Haha. I hope so. :p

Well, there were a lot of happenings for the past few days. Yeah, A LOT. I have not yet mentioned them to anyone because I am pretty tired of everything. But well, I guess I am nothing. I feel like nothing.

Lately I am obsessed with Freddie Highmore, ever since I watched The Art Of Getting By. So far yet, my favorite movie. I will talk about it some other time I guess. :)

And I want a guy like Will Donner, though he's kind of creepy to normal people.
I like weird stuffs.
I am going to watch Waiting For Forever again. What a beautiful movie. :)

I have no idea why am I posting this.

Waiting For Forever

2012-01-28T14:11:00.000+08:00

I don't get it. What's wrong with being optimistic towards life?

Some people said Will is creepy.

But for the first time watching a movie, Will really got me.

Will Donner is not a fool. He is just being optimistic towards this complicated world.
He is such a sweet guy.

You people are so mean.

Life is not "peachy".

Silence

2012-01-19T02:03:00.005+08:00

Hi. I changed my blog a little, try my best not to make it so colourful already uh. I know those bright colour are irritating, they are to me anyway. LOL. :p But I still don't wanna take off my favorite red away. :p And I still haven change my URL. Argh, lazy uh~ Next time. :p Anyway, let's get to the main point. I came here to rant. A little. Really can't take it anymore, big mouth me will say a little.

Well, I guess my blog is still the only suitable place for me to speak. I mean, I choose here because I don't wanna disturb people anymore. At least for this year, for certain reasons. Anyway, the main point is, yeah, I don't feel good, as usual. I don't know, I don't know when will I feel better. It's getting worse, I know it myself inside. It's all corrupting. And I know I should speak to somebody. But no, not for this year, I don't want to. It shouldn't be this way but, I don't wanna add on to others' burden. I don't want be an irritating kid who bothers and disturbs people who already got their own troubles. I guess I will try to handle whatever is it inside of me. I will just take it as it goes. But I am really tired of living. Sucks a lot. I will try my best. Sigh. I will be more reserved, at least for this year, as I said. Excuse me, people. Alright, I will stop my rantings here too, it is still not a safe place to speak.

So just briefly touch on my life. Days went the same- sleep, wake up, eat, comp, getting PMS at, overthinking, feeling crap, sleep. I really hope I could sleep forever. Sigh. OKAY. These few days will be quite happening I guess, externally. Because, yeah, CNY. Today went out with friends and yessah, finally watched Already Famous. It was really funny. "哪,给你。Free 的。" HAHA. So typical. :p And oh, I got a part time job. 3 days to kill my time. Haha. Finally lazy bum is getting her lazy butt off and try out working. Wish me luck anyway, though it is still kinda early. LOL. :p

I don't know when I will be back. I will try my best to keep this place alive. Happy Chinese New Year in advance. LOL. :p Not really looking forward to it at all except for, drinkings to shut my inside up. And gambling to earn some allowance. Woohoo. ;)

Aik, you need to learn to forget, the good and bad ones.

You try your best, okay?

I never know what am I living for.

I don't know what to do with it.

This meaningless life with apathy.

My soul got split personality.

Bored

2012-01-14T14:59:00.000+08:00

Hey people. Okay, I am starting to feel that I am irritating, for always starting my posts with the same phrase. LOL. Think I should be more creative though. Hehe. Try my best. LOL. So yeah, what brought me here is boredom. Kinda hate boredom, because it is always the time when I tend to think a lot. Hais. Well, yeah, I see new bad things again. Sigh. Seriously I think I ought to stop trying so hard to understand people, I can't really handle what I have discovered. Why are people so double standard? :(

Days are getting bored without school. I mean, no, definitely I don't miss school, why would I? Haha. :p I miss my friends. But I don't know what's with me nowadays, it's just me. I realized it is me who is isolating myself from people. There are people asking me out, they didn't isolate me, they are nice people. But it is just me that keeps on rejecting and choose to dwell in the boredom that I don't really like. I don't know, I find myself doing things that I don't like or don't want to nowadays. Don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Beside this and the JAE thing. Argh, gosh. I guess my mind gives in to my heart very easily. So much doubts. Sigh. Sorry people. :(

I had a bad dream last night. Really awful one. It sucks. Finally I understand how does people feel when they don't wanna nightmares to come true. Well, I mean, this is not my first nightmare obviously, but it seems too real to the extent that, to me, it may possibly come true. I don't want that to happen. But.. I don't always get what I want. So I guess from now on I should be more cautious of what I give to who, just to prevent myself from getting hurt so often. :(

So yeah, that is much about emoness. Haha. :p Should I change my blog URL? The double 'n' seems kinda extra. Haha. And the URL I always wanted is finally available. Like finally, I guess my name wasn't that unique afterall. LOL. I guess I will change it these few days? There are much work to do if I wanna change my URL, it is not that easy as it seems yo. Haha. :p And, oh, I guess I will be more active here rather than FB or Twitter anymore? This is like the only place I could trash partially my rantings out without irritating people. But well, not so active though. I am isolating myself from being too social and irritating. LOL.

Alright, I am trying my best to entertain you guys. I know you people are bored too. See so much crapping in this nonsense long post. Haha. Enjoy reading anyway. :p I will try my best to be back as soon as possible for long posts~ Hehe. Ciaos. ;)

I realized other than you, there is no one I can actually talk to.

Guess you are the only one that I can trust among these crap of life.

Siansation

2012-01-13T00:45:00.002+08:00

Hey. Today is Friday the 13th. And today is definitely not T.G.I.F. It is O.S.I.F, Oh Shit It's Friday. Because of the fucking JAE thing. I am utterly very frustrated and irritated by this stupid little stuff. Like fuck off, I am not interested in poly. I don't want to study. :(

Woah, seriously I need to find a punching bag or something. Whack and whack and whack and whack the frustrations out of me. ARGH. I wanna die. ;(

And, I think I talked too much because of this fucking JAE nowadays. Guess I should shut up a bit from now on. HAHA. :P Alright I am obviously not in the mood to post a long post right now. Getting so fucked up with everything and everyone. Bye. ;(

Aik, just endure another 3 years then get it done with.
Endure, you hear me?

But 3 years is LONG. ;(

I am getting tired of living.

Oh well...

2012-01-10T14:17:00.000+08:00

Hey. Yeah, I got my result. Kind of surprising. And more of.. disappointment? I mean, nope, my result was okay, and totally out of my expectation. I can go poly, and so that is why I am kind of disappointed. Sorry if I offended those who couldn't make it, but yeah, you are at MY blog. This is just I think. Cheers. :) So yeah, my plan for ITE failed, obviously. Now I am totally lost. Because I have to head to poly. Sigh. I guess I need much more strength to survive another 3 years of intense school work, shagginess and studies again barhs. Gosh, I am so reluctant. :( Just hope time from now up to April will tick reallyyyyyyyy sloooooooooooowly. Hah. :p

And WOOHOO. As many know, I am extremely happy that I got a B4 for English. It's like, woah, finally~ :p All thanks to my English teacher. :) But I guess my result is more of the help of luck barhs. I don't really deserve the result I got compared to my efforts put in, I know. I consider myself really lucky to be able to enter to poly. But to think about the future what I will be doing, is totally a SIGH. Hais. There will be new challenges and fighting. I really feel like getting rid of study totally sia, such an irritating and tiring thing to do. Why the hell am I so lucky? Argh. :(

And oh, nevertheless I wanna thanks those that have been supporting me through this shit. Thanks for encouraging me and helping me whenever I am down. And especially those who have never give up on me even though I am more or less given up on myself and practically everything, to be frank. Thanks for holding on to me all these while. ;) I really appreciate the presence of you guys in my life. I am an emo and immature kid, please continue to look after me in the future. I still really need you guys. Really love ya'll very much. ;)

Alright. That's about it. Will be back asap. Gonna brainstorm for the 12 courses. Sian. :(

Did I disappoint you? :(

Confused

2012-01-08T02:35:00.000+08:00

Hey guys. It is day 7 of 2012 already, or rather day 8. Sigh. I just can't get over what I am feeling. I am just being paranoid, or at least I hope it is just that I am paranoid. Just basically always feeling this insecurity. It is ruining me, obviously. I just can't stop the voices I am hearing within. I am really going berserk at this rate of their pestering. Screw it. I really wanna get better. Give me some advice on the tagboard please people. :(

And, I just realized I don't think I could achieve what I want. I am too weak to bend the nature of life. Because I am not living for myself anymore, so I can't do only what I wanna do. My heart just refused to rebel forces from people that means a lot to me. Sigh. But it seems to me my supports are fading away, or at least this is what the paranoid inner self is telling me everyday constantly. I am having doubts. So I guess I will see how barhs, really lost and confused about everything and everyone around me. But I just wanna do what I want. Why can't I? :(

So yeah, tomorrow I will be getting back my result. Not feeling anything about it. I don't care how I will do uh. But to be frank here, I actually hope that I won't do as well, just so I could go where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. If my wish was granted, then by that time nobody could stop me already. It would leave them no choice. But I don't wanna hurt them. :( Then again the paranoid little self is questioning do they even care anymore? Argh.. :( Just some kind of dilemma. Well, let's just leave everything to fate barhs. I don't care uh. Haha. :p

Alright. I shall end here. Will be back when I feel like. Hah. ;) Adios~

Get over your paranoid little self, aik.
You have to LISTEN TO ME okay?

I feel inferior, like I am nothing to anyone.

I know it's not 100% true, but my inner self still believes it.

I am falling apart.

Blank

2012-01-05T04:45:00.002+08:00

Uh, so it is day 5 of 2012 already? Wth. I still can't adapt to it. Sigh. Maybe it's just me barhs. I feel so super lost. :( It's like.. uh, nevermind. This is not a safe place to talk about my feelings anymore for certain reasons. Zzz. -.-

Feel super irritated to be stalked by some people and they acted like they know everything and as if they are me. Hello, how many times must I say? THERE ARE MORE THAN WHAT MEETS THE EYE. -.- Get a life, PREASE. Lol. But I guess there's no need for me to pay much attention to them uh, waste my energy and isn't I giving them what they really want? Hmph. Uh huh, here comes my slogan, I DON'T CARE. Just do whatever you want uh. Hehe. :p

Well, I am kinda lost ever since the new year started. And I guess I am not the only one like this. Some people around me are having the same feeling as me. This makes me feels better for the first time for being down. Because I am not alone. ;) However, I guess I am a pessimist, who always believes only the bad stuffs, so I am hundred times more down than them. Tsk. I hate this. :( I know what I am feeling may just because it's only me. Nowadays seriously, I think I am having a serious problem with myself. I realized something about me and the feelings inside. I can't say it here, sorry. I am not sure if I could speak to someone either. I don't know. But it's okay, I hope I can survive after the struggles again. Sigh. I am lying and have to lie to myself for awhile to feel better. Tsk. :( At this rate I think I am going to die very soon. Gosh. ;( I can't help what I am hearing within. God, save me please. ;(

Alright. Conclusion is, I really need somebody who is optimistic and strong to influence me the positive stuffs! Gah. Shut the voices in me up can? ;(

Stay. Please.

I don't know what to do.

Assure me

2012-01-03T02:11:00.000+08:00

HELLO! :p Today is the first day of school for some of my friends. Haha. Aww.. Not for me. :p I guess they are all asleep by now barhs. Hopefully you guys won't screwed the first day because of attire check and those loads of homework thrown to you people. Haha. :)

Currently having mixed feelings. Happy because I don't have to attend school anymore. Like seriously to me is YAY!!! :p But sigh.. I can't get to see my friends as often anymore.. less fun.. less friends.. less everything. Hopefully it is just because I am paranoid, I think too much. PLEASE BE THAT WAY. Because seriously I don't know what kind of person will I become if all these doubts are real. The future is absolutely vague to me. I can't even spot a slightest clue about it. How I wish I have the power to know what kind of hurting is waiting for me, just so I could prevent them from reaching me. Sigh.. Oh well, I guess I have to stop my rants. Silence is safest on social networks. :p And AHA, from seeing the joke yesterday, I guess my resolution is gonna be achieved in no time. Woohoo~ ;)

Okay, that's it. And oh, I got a new tagboard. No more ShoutMix. :( Let's see who will be the first to speak. Haha. :) Good luck all for today! ;)

Chapter 2012, Page 3 of 366: Absolutely Lost and Insecure.

I don't know how to make people around me stay with me. Why am I never good enough for anything?

The word "NEW"

2012-01-01T07:43:00.000+08:00

Oh. So it is finally 2012 already. I am suppose to list my new year resolutions? Okay, basically I have them but they are kinda negative to you people so this post is consider emo as usual. Heez. Go away if you can't stand it. ;)

Well, for certain reasons, I don't want to obey the rule of a good person anymore. Or frankly speaking, I give up. I don't care already uh. Don't wanna torture myself anymore. It is very hard to keep a good person as a whole after those significant hurting, especially disappointments. I suppose I am gonna change to a different person this year. So this is currently the list of resolutions I have in mind:

-Get rid of study.
-Ruin this life.
-Become a selfish person.
-Be more reserved.

And there are still some others of course. Hoho. :p So yeah, negative stuffs. I know but I am still gonna do them. Hah. ;p Out of all these the most I can't wait to do is getting rid of study. After O Level ended, sorry to say, seriously I have not a single interest in getting into any poly. And to be frank, it is also one of the reason why I didn't attend Red Camp for those two days. Maybe I am just crazy uh, at first was saying wanna go ITE, then now got the feeling of quitting study totally. Lol. Yeah, quit study no where go must think of future and whatever stuffs. Well, I don't care all of them anymore. Just basically don't care. I am tired already. I think achieving this resolution won't be as hard compared to others, since permission says all are just up to me already. Am I suppose to YAY? But the others I will try my best barhs. The third one is quite a challenge for me. Hah. I just hope my plan will go well smoothly. :p

Alright. No more to say. Lol. Happy New Year people. Haha. :p See you guys soon. ;)

For certain reasons, I think there is nothing left worth fighting for.

Reluctance

2011-12-31T01:22:00.000+08:00

Hey people. I really got nothing on my mind to blog about but since it's already the last day of the sucky year, I should make a last entry of 2011? Yay. Lazy bum me is putting last effort in 2011 for this blog. Lol. :p

Hmm. So yeah. I am kinda reluctant to the new year. But I don't like 2011 either. So what? Basically I don't like every day. Lol. Living without a purpose seriously is a waste of my effort to me. But I can't end it. Sigh. I am still 16 only... Gosh. Don't know how many fucking years I have to endure before I die. Bleh. :( Well, 2011 is the worst year so far but I guess the future will definitely beat it. Sigh. Seriously, I am kinda afraid of what kind of things will happen. Especially that one thing that always makes me surrounded by insecurities. I don't know whether is it that I am paranoid or what, I feel that it will happen someday. Woah.. Nevermind. I guess I can get over it again barhs. This kind of thing isn't what I have yet met before. Happened so many times already. Sigh. I have to admit, 2011 seriously fucked my life upside down and so changes a lot a lot of stuffs in my life, including myself. I have lost so much. I have gained so much. Don't know whether to love or hate 2011. But well, it is just a day to 2012. And so 2011 will soon become a history. Should I be happy? Should I be sad? No idea.

My problem arh.. Hais. Forget it. Too much to say already. Seriously don't understand myself. Just those irritating voices within me. I just can't seems to find any ways to stop them. Why am I so insecure? :(

Alright. I guess it's all about that barhs. Trying my best not to make it too short already le uh. Sorry guys, for this emo blog, and also the more reserved me. A lot of stuffs inside of me. Hais. :(

"You are like the Sun. Everything becomes brighter when you're around."
Sometimes I wonder if you know that you have made a difference in me, in others, in the world, just because of your existence.

I just hope that you will never leave me behind.

HoHoHo ;)

2011-12-25T02:04:00.000+08:00

It's Christmas! :D Haha. Not really excited this year. But well, basically I spent every Christmas' Day the same. Going for Christmas' celebration later on as usual. Not really excited and I have no idea why. Haha. Perhaps it just got to do with growing up again barhs. All those feelings and stuffs.. Haha. ;) Oh, my wish for Christmas? Nah. Nevermind my wish. They never come true. But I hope Santa really do exist. Heh. ;)

Totally have no idea what to post about. Hmm. Well, just to say it's Christmas and Happy Birthday to Jesus! Amen.. ;p

Merry Christmas and have an enjoyable day ahead! ;p

MERRY CHRISTMAS~ ;)

I am killing myself because I am a stubborn kid.

Crumpled. Totally insecure.

2011-12-18T11:16:00.002+08:00

I think the monster have taken control over me already. Total control. I feel so weak to defend it. I am so crumpled inside. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't help what is constantly happening. I am so drained. I don't know what to do. I don't know what else I can do. Disguise to myself doesn't even work at all. With all those negativity and giving up feeling, I am really so tired of fighting. I think this is it, it is gonna hunt and haunt me down forever.

Ailn, I hate you. Why didn't you listen to me? Why don't you? Why?
Look what you have done to yourself.
What are all that for?
I hate you.

And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think they would understand.

Sunshine

2011-12-17T23:50:00.000+08:00

Woop. Here I am hardworking to update my blog. Heh. ;) Nothing really much to talk about. Maybe just briefly talk about what I am up to these 2 days and do a little ranting barhs. Haha. Just a little, people. I don't wanna make my blog become a dark emo place. And I wanna have some privacy to my own too. The network is kinda not a safe place to reveal my life. Haha. But well, as I said, I won't disguise myself here. I need a place to rant and kill my time too. Maybe just a little more reserved barhs. I will keep my rantings short and sweet. Heez. ;p

Well, as usual didn't sleep much. I am so dead tired but yet I can't sleep. Argh zzz. I am such a weirdo. Okay, shall stop here. Lol. Then went out for lunch and had my long craved prata like FINALLY. Haha. :D Was suppose to go play pool with my friends however due to the shag, it was cancelled. Aww. :( And so rotted at home mousehunting the whole day up till night, I went out and slacked awhile. :) As for today, it was better since I caught a movie. Mission Impossible 4 was awesome since it was an action show and definitely was breathtaking. Like WOW. High technology all over the place and close shaves which scared me like omfg. Lol. Tom Cruise is handsome. Hehe. :p But the sad thing is, he is old already. :( But still a handsome old man. Haha. Biased~ ;p Then lunch at a fastfood restaurant which I am not sure about the restaurant name. Full like omg. As expected, look who was I with. Always stuffs me with food as if I am a hungry ghost. Haha. :p And then went to somewhere to slack with April and back to the same old place. Yeah, this is basically how my days went. :)

Hmm. So ranting time. :) Well, some old stuff things happened but I was too tired to feel anything about them anymore. Just brought me into deep thoughts and I was lost and confused in this process of growing up. But well, it is hard for me to explain what I am trying to say. I guess I just need somebody to guide me and help me out in growing up barhs. I am too weak and too immature to grow up by myself. I am lost and confused. Hello world, hope you are listening, forgive me if I'm young~ ;) And aik, stop being paranoid okay? Don't think too much and you can't compare alright? Are you listening? Do you hear me? Stop that monster in you from taking you away.

Alright, I guess it's enough already barhs. I will always try to be back and blog as frequent as I can. It's December with this boredom, I guess it's not a very hard task to fulfill. HAHA. I am still a lazy bum. :p

Cause I see sparks fly, whenever you smile. :)

You are always there. Thank you.

Doubts

2011-12-15T01:52:00.001+08:00

Hey guys. :D Just came back from cycling not long ago. Think I shall not be a lazy bum and continue to update my blog! Heh. :p And argh.. stoob. ShoutMix is gonna be paid. Damn. Have to use back cbox again. Tsk. So lazy to change it. Hmph. But nobody comment on it anyway, maybe I will just remove that? Aww... :(

Well, today went cycling at ecp with a group of people and cycled at least 30 km or so. Currently muscle ache like omfg. :( But it was indeed an enjoyable day. As in I kinda managed to vent a bit of the frustrations out and feels a bit better. However was still disguising myself as usual. Sigh. I was trying so hard to a point that I don't know what am I doing. I guess maybe I had overdone it and irritated certain people. Hais. Stupid me. :( It is always hard to disguise in front of person who is able to penetrate through me. I tried so hard today, and kinda failed 2 times. :( After cycling and had Mac for dinner. Ordered double McSpicy which I don't even know why did I ordered that. Totally had no appetite to eat but well, for certain reasons, I still have to force myself to consume all those food. Sigh. :( So yeah, disguise as usual and this is how my yesterday went.

Currently bothered by some doubts. Sigh. I kinda feel that something happened without my knowledge recently. Is it that I am paranoid? I think so. Or is it that something really did happen and I am going to be forgotten or abandon again? I am not sure. I feel so insecure. But what's new? Damn. :(

Hopefully I will be back soon. I will try. Bye guys. Sleep tight. :)

The only reason I am hesitating to ruin my life or not.

Dying inside

2011-12-12T12:29:00.001+08:00

Hey. It's another day. It's afternoon. Not sure of what should I post. Still not feeling good. Even though I have spoken part of my problem to somebody already. I still don't know what happened to me. Nowadays acting super strange. I guess I am just too good at disguise. Such a distinct different between how I appear to be and what is really in me. Hah.

Not in the mood to talk. Sorry for the short post. Bye. See you guys soon. ;)

I think too much. I always feel inferior. I don't know why. What happened to me?

Disguise

2011-12-11T17:46:00.001+08:00

Hey peeps. Hmm. Currently don't know what to post. Lol. Well, since it's already December, let's do a bit of rewind stuffs and talk about 2011. Lol. Sounds so cheesy. Bleh~ :p

Basically, 2011 is a total crap to some of us including me. Things are so happening and there are many changes in my life and maybe there are more since it is not over yet. Well, just take this blog for example. For the past few days I have been visiting my previous old blog and read those old posts I made in the past. Hah, brought back quite a lot of memories. :) I was really a childish kid. ;p And I still am. Hehe. :p But I realized in the past I trashed too much of my stuffs in their raw shape on my blog already huh. Unlike now, looks kinda reserved. But well, to be frank, I am disguising even at this place in the past even though I have been ranting stuffs on it too. But not for now already. Since I have change this place to a place for ranting, together with my Twitter. ;) I guess this year is really tough to a point that I can't hide myself anymore. Sigh. However in just less than a month time 2011 is gonna be over. Yay. Though I doubt so that next year will get any better... Hais. Life sucks. :( And in the past I used shortcuts and uber lots of Singlish on my blog. Haha. See now it's better. More standard kind of Singlish lah. Lol. :p Another thing is that I have change back to the original me. As in the mischievous kid. I no longer try so hard to be obedient towards people anymore. Ever since I entered secondary school, I considered myself a very good girl already, as compared to the me in primary school. In secondary school I only did a few minor stuffs that irritated my Chinese teachers or some other insignificant teachers that I can't even bother to remember. Haha. Lol. :p But my parents have never came to school before unlike primary school or even pre-school. Looking back, I kinda miss my old clique who always hang out with me after school and went all around BP area to do all sorts of mischievous stuffs. Haha. Most memorable one is jumping down to the ground floor from high storeys of the multi-purpose carpark, because my foot injury is the aftermath of all that! Hah. Those craziness. Good times good times.. I think my school's students all to guai already ah, influenced me to try so hard to be obedient and disguise myself just to fit in with the school. Tsk. But they are all good people huh. Love them. ;) As of now, I think I am slowly changing back to my old self, that mischievous kid. Ruining my life like omg. Lol. I guess I am heading towards my old friends' current life. Sigh. Not sure whether it's a good or bad thing. But seriously, I miss my primary school's clique. All those fun times together.. :( One more distinct change is my mindset. Now I no longer take things so hard anymore. I just think that having people beside me is a bonus in my life. Probably because I know that I don't deserve all that barhs. Or is it that I have turned to a more understanding person? I don't know. Everytime when people did wrong on me, whether is it a minor or major stuff, I seems to forgive them instantly. Like I realized not everybody wish to make mistake, mistake is made cause of a reason. And I think I should put myself in their shoe. So, 'nevermind' and 'it's okay' seems to become my slogans. Hah. ;) But no no, don't get me wrong. I really mean it when I said them. No worries. ;) Well, this seems to be a good thing, since I won't get upset just because of these minor stuffs anymore. :) And perhaps I make the world a better place for some people! AHA. BHB. See so highly on myself. Chek. ;p

Wow. What a long post again. Amazing I am putting efforts in blogging! What an achievement for a lazy bum. Heh. :p Time now is already 6:30pm. Kinda late already. Gtg and prepare to head out! Feeling lazy though. Heh. Goodbye~ ;)

I am an emo kid. Hello. ;)

Moodless

2011-12-10T01:03:00.001+08:00

Hello. Bad mood now. The feeling is getting stronger and stronger and it is overwhelming me. Though occasionally it will be like this but it has never stayed so long before. Sigh. Obviously I have yet to talk to my life saver. Argh. Whatever. I think I am killing myself. Shall not elaborate further.

Really no mood to talk ah. I will be back whenever I feel a bit better. But I guess it will take a long time if the two voices inside of me keep talking. Just STFU please. Fuck off.

P.S: Vexed maxed. Argh... :(

Keep me accompanied, prevent those insecurity from reaching me, PLEASE.

Afraid

2011-12-08T12:10:00.001+08:00

Seems like I am addicted to blogging! Haha. Just love talking to myself on this blog and my Twitter, and rant things out and stuffs. Heh. :p Well, it's been a long time since I met the Sun in the morning. Some sort of irony again. It is good that I finally woke up early in the morning these days, but then again the reason is cause of my serious insomnia. Gosh. Been getting little sleep nowadays. Argh. Somebody just save me out from the struggle inside of me please. :(

And oh. Mousehunt finally started the Christmas event! But it looks kinda complicated to me. I guess I need a little more time to figure it out and thrash it barhs! Haha. I AM A HUNTER! Lol. :p

Life can get sucker huh? Seriously everyday there are things to irritate me much. Like please, the world and those irritating people in it just can't leave me alone huh? And one thing I wanna mention is I HATE FAKE PEOPLE WITH FAKE SINCERE. Please ah, I am stupid but not THAT stupid. I know but it is just that I am kind-hearted enough to keep it inside of me. Don't blame me behind my back with your oblivious words without knowing anything, and assuming that your assumptions is everything. But well, I guess this type of people also have self conscience knowing that they are incorrect too huh, that's why have no guts to throw their words on my face. Seriously, get some guts and talk. But then again who are you to comment on me? Are you me? Or did you went through those shits I have been through and still in it? I just have enough and wanna get rid of these fake monkeys out of my life lah. Somemore this is not the first time happening already ah. Even in school there are timid people including the teachers who talk cock behind me and act one kind soul in front of me one ah. Greenridge what, what do you expect? Heh. ;) But there are exceptional people who ain't suppose to be in that dumb school too lah. Lol. ;p But it's okay. I guess I still got some smartness in me to identify who are good ones whom I can talk to. :)

Hmm. Basically I have yet talk to my watcher about my problems. Still doubting to do so. But guess I will do it soon barhs. Don't wish to break my promise again. Hais. :(

Nothing much to talk about. Oh. I have decided to try the job interview in Sentosa tomorrow. Go there try and have some fun barhs. Lol. Wish me luck people! Haha. :p

Am I the only one like this? :(

Tortures from the insides

2011-12-07T15:53:00.000+08:00

Woah~ See how nothing-to-do am I to a point that I am so active on social network. Haha. :p Seriously holiday is like so free to a point that I think it is okay to waste time. LOL. Hmm. Well, not much to post. Since this place is a place for this weirdo who always emo randomly to rant stuffs then shall talk about the insides of me barhs. But but, before that, I wanna say a thing. I MISS CHRISTINE LIM SO MUCH! LOL. No idea if she could see this or anyone else would. :p Seriously yet talk to her for the past one week. Lising isn't back in Singapore yet. Gosh. Everybody is so busy and I am like so nothing-to-do waiting for them to done with their stuffs. I know I should probably get a job but yeah, WHO AM I?! A LAZY BUM! Heh. :p Don't really wish to invade this kind of carefree life. As in physically.

Time for emo stuffs. Hah. :p Hmm. Well, I guess I know how to describe the feeling I am always feeling already. But guess should not say it here because it is really bazaar and might affect some of you. Heh. But don't worry, guess I will talk to my watcher soon barhs since I finally can find words to describe already. But still doubting because I really don't like to get people worry because of me. As in, yeah, it is good to know they really care and I am really grateful about it, but those people have their own troubles to dealt with and those stuffs might be even more irritating than mine. Hate to see them being fooled by life and people and rather, I wanna help them and see them happy. The outcome is contagious. When they are happy, it makes me even more happier. I love to help. Though my ability to help is small or even insignificant and there are very very less things I could do, but I love to help. I like people telling me their troubles. I don't like them to face them all alone because I know how painful it is. Life itself is already a struggle. What more to say keeping everything inside. Well, I guess I am writing all this to myself too. But I sucks in communication. In fact many times I would like to tell somebody about my emotional struggles but the thing is that it is hard for me to describe them by words. Additionally, it is not like it is easy for people to understand me. I am a complicated person. I think a lot. I see things in many many different kinds of perspective. Inside of me always have two voices debating against each other. Just like those childish comic stuff, they called them the devil and the angel. Each of them always contradicting each other, opposing each other and I guess there is where all my frequent dilemmas come from. So yeah, I am really complicated and problematic because of my sensitive and thinking brain. I just think really much much too much. Too much negativity and whatsoever. My heart just has never ever settle down. Sigh. Me too don't like myself being like that. But that is just me in nature. I am born this way. Or grown up this way. I guess it is just because of the super flawed childhood I had. Which I didn't really mention to anyone yet. As in, I don't have a proper childhood I realized. I am literally the NO CHILDHOOD KID, like what people always joke about. Well well, guess I should stop here barhs. Hah. :) But so to mention, I am glad to have somebody who would understand my troubles and trying to help me in different ways. Really thankful for that. And to those people who are always there for me willing to listen to me. Love you people. ;D Not to worry about me. I will find somebody to talk to regarding my troubles and hopefully there are ways to get rid of them. Cross fingers for me!! Haha. :)

WOW. What a long post. Haha. Nothing to talk about already uh. Tomorrow if I am still bored I guess I will come back again barhs. Hah. Have a nice day ahead people. LOL. :p

Screw all these insides. :(

Vexed

2011-12-07T03:17:00.000+08:00

Argh. Ain't feeling good nowadays. Went pool with my friends and was so vulgar. Insides of me are all screwed up and I was trying to control all those unknown frustrations. What's wrong with me? :( Sorry people for all those vulgar from me. I really feeling no good about it too. Hais. :(

Well. Today went to watch Arthur Christmas and for the second time, You are the apple of my eye. ;) Awesome movies. But tsk, I slept during the second one. :( And back to the place I have always reluctant to be back. Hais. No choice. I am a useless person. :(

I guess life is like that. Just a plain boring shit. Whatever people said, process is the most important and you have to excel yourself and achieve the impossibles etc, the ending of life, is that we all die isn't it? But I agree that we should always tries the impossibles. But as for me, I guess in this current state of mine, is very reluctant to put in efforts in anything anymore. Maybe I fear barhs, or that I am lost. Well, people do need a purpose and goals in life right? But apparently I still can't search mine. :( Life is really a torture with so many dilemmas in it. So hard to keep smiling with positivities. Really hope I can get rid all of those shits I am feeling inside. :( I suspect they are invading my sleep too. Insomnia getting more worse already. Sucks. Tsk. :(

I am super INSECURE. ;(

Insecure

2011-12-05T18:33:00.000+08:00

Hello. Currently super bored and have nothing to do now so decided to make another post yea. Haha. :)
Hmm. Life now is free without school!!! Shiok ttm. LOL. Both seriously got nothing to do. But I rather bored to death then study to death huh. =P Anyway get a friend help me applied for job at the IT fair and they would contact whenever there is a job? Hmm. So yeah. Earn some allowance also not bad huh. But I am a lazy bum. Heh. =P

Well, still struggling with my own emotions and what I am feeling inside all these while. Just hopefully they will go away soon. Really sucks ttm. Always feeling insecure. Argh.. then vexed then whatever negativity also come into place. Hais. Guess I just need a lot of assurance. I am really afraid.

If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Insecure

2011-12-01T03:01:00.001+08:00

Time now is 3am!! Insomnia as usual. Have been owling for my life! Lol. Well. Just 2 words to conclude what I'm feeling lately. VEXED. And the usual, INSECURITY.

I am so lost. :( Hais. Shall stop here and get to sleep soon. Have to wake up early tomorrow. Oops I mean later. Hah. :) Nights and sweet dream to myself. I hope to dream of ah ma. Miss her so much. ;(

LOST and INSECURE.

Long Time No See

2011-11-29T20:34:00.000+08:00

Hello. So long never blog already. O Level is finally over. But feels like no difference at all. Just more free time and less stress barhs. Life nowadays feels so frustrated. Irritated, vexed and anger and more of these negative hatreds. :( Really don't like it but I don't know how to vent those anger out. :( Seems like everything is making me angry. I guess the problem lies within me barhs. Don't know what is happening to me. :( Afraid if some day I suddenly PMS or what and whack havoc towards everything. I can't really control myself when anger consumes me. Sucks. Hopefully these frustrations will go away faster. :( Trying so hard to disguise and stop these anger from acting up. :( Lord, help me chase away them please.. :(

Well, not much to post here. I guess I shall stop here barhs. Hopefully I can be back soon. Hah. =]

Hyperventilate

2011-08-30T02:07:00.001+08:00

Hello again. :) Time now 2am again. Haha. Can't sleep huh. :p Hmm. Today kinda tiring. Played badminton with Lising and Ben for 2 hours. Haha. Stupid badminton guy GL came challenge us yet in the end kena owned by Ben. LOL. sia suay max to them. Serve them right. >:) Came home bathed and nom nom and watched Primeval!! My one and only fav sitcom! :) Really nice ttm. That Colon or what guy quite cute huh. :p Anyway I'm happy that there's season 2. :) Hope there are more after that. :)

Basically these few days purely lazing around. Went out lepak else is sleep at home. Didn't do any work at all. Kinda guilty but I just let myself rots on like that. Keeps on wasting time like there is a lot of tomorrow. Well well, apparently part of me already prepare to retain or head to ITE. Don't really care about my study already. Hais. If I have no choice, my el fail and I have to go ITE, then I'll go barhs. From now on I'll just accept what's being thrown to me. So tired of struggling in this meaningless mess of battle.

Living without the will. Life is better off dead. I'm suffering everyday. Why not I die? I'll feel better I think.

Vague

2011-08-26T02:03:00.003+08:00

Hello Hello. :) Time now is 2am, shall make an effort to update this bloggy. :p hmm...not much things to say... life is still the same...hais. Anyway currently I'm really bored. Haha. Bored to death I don't know what else to do. LOL. Tomorrow no school. A yay or what? I don't know what to react. LOL. Hmm maybe later shall try play HabboHotel? haha,like so old game only. :p Really sian, tomorrow don't know what to do. Rot at home or go out lepak? So lazy to do homework le... Zzz. Whatever. Oh Tuesday got my English prelim. Hah, screwed as usual. Irony is I was sppose to depend on my Paper 1 to pass yet now I'm depending on Paper 2. Paper is a confirm fail.lol. Ah, don't care already. So used to failing le. Now exam I've got no more nervous feelings. After exams screwed also no feelings. Think I really numb le. Just let fate to decide my result barhs. Tired of putting in efforts le. But well, I won't give up. My brain says won't give up, I don't know about my dead heart. Maybe I have long even up unknowingly le. Taking everything so easy. Everything just feels like a deja vu. Everyday is repeating the same old thing. Sick of this life. Bleh.

I'm sorry if I give up. I tried, I swear. I'm just too weak. I'm sorry.

Weak

2011-08-22T21:53:00.002+08:00

Tired. Really tired. Slept early last night yet in the morning still late for school. FML. Fuck GSS. If our reasons are all excuses, how about yours? Well in fact I don't hate the school. I hate the people and work in there. I'm already drained. You don't have to add on to it by doing things that you know I don't wanna you to do purposely. GIVE ME A BREAK. Please.

I don't know what everybody wants from me. Keep pushing me here and there. Fuck you people. When I get enough of this irritating life, I'll end it. MARK MY WORDS. Now I mean it. This life is way scarier than anything else.

I'm trying to work hard for my study but apparently it isn't working. Went to la la land during the whole Chem period, partially of EL period and remedial and history period. I just spent my day sleeping. Guess I know why I'm still so tired even after sleeping for so long. I'm not tired of everything, I'm just tired of myself I guess. I'm trying but this life keeps on getting sucker and sucker. FML.

62 days to O level. K idk my real o level is this year or next year. Feel so lazy to study. Hais. Life like this can really kill man. Zzz. Now I only can see two path for my future. The left is retain, the right is stop education. The straight path looks so vague. Hais.

I won't force you. You can do what you like or what you want. It's your life not mine anyway. I've got problem handling mine, what more to say for me to have the right to control yours? But get this straight. I can't control you, so don't even expect me to listen to you.

"Death is God's way of saying, "You're fired.". Suicide is human's way of saying, "You can't fire me, I quit."."

Procrastination

2011-08-21T20:05:00.001+08:00

Just came back from lepaking with April who went study. Hmm. Tired now. Hah. Went to Chai's house today. Bully me with her doggy. Tsk tsk. :) Then went lunch with her and Malcolm at 168 coffee shop. Didn't finish my meal because of tiresome. Hais. Tired tired... After that Chai went home and Malcolm went to a place I don't know where he was going. Lol. :p I went to meet April to study at Teck Whye's Mac. Apparently I didn't study much. Only complete 1 emaths vector question. Zzz. Procrastinating again... Then went BPP to lepak awhile after sending April home and end up back to this place so called home.

Summary for my day: Procrastination.

Nothing much more I can find words to describe. Think I'm just tired barhs.

Hmm. I'll not give up on myself. Not yet. I'm just really tired. For you people, I'll really work hard. All I need is time and apparently I don't have much of them. Hais. 走一步算一步 barhs...

Shall return to my stoning again.

I'm afraid of falling again.

Paradox

2011-08-21T00:37:00.002+08:00

Hey peeps. :) Back to blogging. Hah. Sorry for MIAing for a few days. Kinda busy about my own emotion. Hmm... shall not elaborate much here. What I can still use words to say is, conflict of emotion within me but I can't feel anything or react to anything. I hate the current me too. This feeling is so bitter. And WOW. I'm not even back in a week there are already have over a hundred hits. This blog is not dead. [PROVEN]. LOL.:)

School sucks as usual. School is seriously a place of communism. Sucks TTM. Dislike those arrogant adults in there, not all are arrogant adults though. Those arrogant adults are so freaking deserve a punch each from everyone. My school has got teacher chasing us after work but in the end said no need to hand in de, got teacher throwing work at us de, got teacher teaching me to ask my friends for help de, all types of bullshits also have. -^- You too have to respect me as a student to gain my respect to you as a teacher. Get this straight. Hopefully some brave souls would burn off this freaking cheapo school someday.

Well, nowadays come back to the topic of EL. Hmm. Really thinks that I'm born sucker for EL. Have the feeling that I am gonna flunk this year o level. I don't wanna disappoint my teachers... But weird that I don't actually mind about taking O level next year. Hmm. Weird huh. I have become a freak. And yeah, stoning unknowingly has recently just upgraded to absentminded of procrastination. Hais. So sick and tired of this irritating life. I just want to end it. But I still have to endure for my friends... don't really know how long can I sustain. I'm literally dying off... :(

I'm dying inside, or is it already dead?
I want to help myself, but I don't know how.
Feeling so hopeless and helpless.

Okay kinda short entry for today. I'll be back soon. Lol. :)

Masqueraders don't hurt. Pain comes in when they found out they had been penetrated through.

Suffocating

2011-08-15T20:58:00.001+08:00

Glee. Starting to love blogging. Hah. Really a good thing to kill time. :) though not like I got a lot of time to waste before o level. Well, still haven find any purpose of fighting for academic result. Anyway tomorrow is the day. El oral paper. Hmm..not really feeling anything. Still lingering about what to do if I failed. Got a kind of instinct that I'm gonna failed el o level. Hais. Shall not think too much barhs. :) Also this blog looks so dead without messages in the shoutbox. :( Anybody wanna talk to me? :(

Another day of masquerading. So numb till a point I feel that I'm enjoying it too. On the other hand also fear that those few people would penetrate through me one day. Hais. Hmm.. Yeah,school sucks. Who likes school anyway. But I am not really sure that I can endure the last 3 months. And wonder what will happen after these 3 months. Will it get better or will it be worse? Most probably will be worse. Again, not to ponder so much about it and just wait for the day to come barhs. But still, saying and reminding myself not to think too much yet always end up mind filled with the thought of giving up. This life is so meaningless.

Amaths really deserves a crude word from me. Being throw at with Amaths work everyday. It's not like I'm only an Amaths student. -^- and it seems like nobody understands. Teachers are pushing us at both ends, and like don't even know sine when students have to choose in between subjects to do work. In such a difficult position. Hais.. Getting so tired and sick of school. Be it work, people or happenings. Everything just sucks. My life sucks and getting sucker and sucker. I'm numb till I feel the world so cold and unfamiliar. Life is so meaningless..

And here. Yeah, too much to say huh. I'm not that gullible anymore. Think I'll still get fooled by you materialistic animals' lies? Don't pull my leg, I'm not that naive anymore. Get a life and don't think I'm still that doggy to surrender what's left with me, even if it's luxury. I'll rather burn them than donating to you animals.

Sometimes I really hope I could change lives with you. You don't seems to cherish what you've got.
Sometimes I really feel that this world is a better place without me.
Sometimes I really feel like ending all these.
Sometimes I really wanna be selfish.
Sometimes I really want to be heard too..

Still stoning and staring to the thin air feeling so helpless. More frequently..

Bye and will be back soon hopefully, spaces. :)

Insomnia

2011-08-15T17:22:00.000+08:00

It's 2 plus.. can't fall asleep as usual.. guess I shall make one entry to try making this blog alive? Hah. :) Anyway wondering if anybody has bothered to come here? If you do, maybe shall leave a message in the shoutbox? :) Don't be shy~ hah. :p

Hais. Don't know what to post.. Life sucks anyway. Today huh..think is either I'm gonna get it from Steven or he's gonna get it from me. Seriously and sincerely, I'm disliking school more and more. Well well, 3 more months and I'm done with all these crap.. Not all I guess, partially. No school doesn't mean no people huh. Hate this life.

Tuesday is o level el oral for me. Oh. Have the 'fail then fail lor' feeling. Nice. Think even if I flunk or not, my life still will rot. Like is either I retain and suffer one more year of school or I quit. Blah blah. Still can't find a reason to continue to poly..hmm.. And to leave school..also kinda sad. There're still one or two persons I kinda don't wanna leave them, which means don't wanna be drifted away from them. Like it's a normal thing. When people started seeing each other less often , eventually there'll be a distance. And with this distance added on to the initial distance between people, it's unbearable to see all those things becoming a history. Guess shall not think too much for now. Who knows it if I'm not leaving? Hah. :)

Gloom and doom. I've changed. To a bad person. ;( Inevitable. I don't know how to go back now.

Nights, folks. And spaces. Sweet dreams. :) And here I return to my stoning again.

The more you push, the more I'm pulling away. Take note of that. Don't get me started. I can't be nice that way.

Trapped

2011-08-14T01:45:00.000+08:00

Blee~Can't believe I've forgotten all about my blog. Been busying engaging in my life,or a life that everybody shared literally, for others' entertainment and pleasure. Anyway I decided to blog again even if this blog wouldn't sustain its entries. Maybe to vent out all my stuffs and make me feel better? Still doubtful about that 2nd point.. Think this entry is gonna be a long one. Basically pouring out what I'm feeling and thinking all these while, and only part of it. Words are not enough to describe myself anymore. I'm a complicated person though I wanna be a simple one.

I'm hollow. Hollow to an extend I found myself not feeling anything anymore. And that may indirectly mean that there're no cure for me. But well, I've now live up to a sense that I've given up myself emotionally. I'm tired of making myself feel better and thus I decided to let it rot by itself, and rot as if it's perfectly fine. If you ask me why, me too have got no answer to provide you. I'm just hollow. Even in a mist of people, I still feel that huge emptiness in me. Or complete emptiness. In fact I realized that I've adopted and adapted to this new robotic life. A life that lives for the seek of others. A life that I can and maybe can never feel a real thing. Externally crowded by people doesn't really mean that I'm not alone. Learnt that fact not long ago.

And nowadays besides stoning frequently, the thought of retaining and even quitting from education keep on lingering in me. Especially the thought of quitting. But well, I'm still doing my schoolwork and revision and whatever stuffs I don't want to. Perhaps I should please people for the last time, getting a pleasant o level result and stop there? I'm confused of what to do. So sick and tired of this life. Acting different kind of roles that different people wanted me to be everyday, that I've lost the real me. Getting so used to masquerading that I don't know what am I doing and talking and laughing and joking about. Part of my pretense is because of the fear of disappointing that few people. Refraining from others also means that I'm refraining from getting hurt from others too, and also hurting others.

Perhaps I'm a person who don't deserve love. Don't know is it because there's no love in the first place or is it because I'm losing them or is it because I can't feel any anymore. Sympathy and love are two very different things. Wonder if there's anybody knowing that...

I'm filled with uncertainty.

Oh. These few days 散场的拥抱 keeps on lingering in my ear. Anybody know where to download Chinese songs??

多宁愿只是争吵，还能道歉和好。